Living with acne
Who knew something so little can have such a big impact on your life. It starts out small, then grows and grows into this huge life damaging experience. People will say, "oh you look fine" or "there's really not that much, don't be embarrassed". Little did they know acne was/is a major factor in my life. It's all I saw when I looked at myself in the mirror and it's all I thought about when people saw me. Others with beautiful skin just don't understand how depressing a face full of acne can be. How could they? It's tormenting when people judge your blemishes and they don't experience that. Not only do they judge my acne but I judged it myself. I was always criticizing myself and I hate it. Yes, people can be overweight, have crooked teeth or whatever else someone may not like about themselves but acne is a whole other level of depression.
I still remember the first time I actually cried about my breakouts. I was in the fifth grade and it was a Monday morning before school. I knew kids were judging me at school. It's so obvious when your talking to someone and their eyes wonder off to the pesky little pimples on your forehead. I was young and embarrassed. There was this time when I was on the bus and I over heard two boys talking about me. They thought I was asleep and one of them said, " it must suck to have acne like that, if my skin looked like that I think I would kill myself". I didn't say anything. I just kept on acting like I was asleep until I got home. That way they didn't have to see my suicidal skin anymore. Later that evening I went to bed wondering why this was happening to me and not my friends? Well, the next morning my mom came to my room and woke me up. I got up like every other day but that day I took a long, hard look in the mirror. I couldn't believe my face looked like a connect the dots game at my age. So I went and sat on the stairs and cried my eyes out. Of course my mom wondered what was going on and I told her how I felt about my skin. Feeling sorry for me, she told me to follow her to her room and she handed me a bottle of foundation. So I went to the bathroom and I put that liquid confidence on. I haven't stopped using foundation since then.
No one has seen me without my makeup for seven years. Well, except for my fiancé. Which it took me four years to finally reveal my skin to him(3 yrs ago). It's pathetic, trust me, I know. But I can't help it. Acne is so personal to me and I don't want to share that with anyone. Before you say 'well you're posting it on the internet', that's a whole different situation. No one on the internet is going to judge my skin for the rest of my life. The people I personally know will just see me as a pimple face and not as Taylor anymore. The thought of that is just horrifying and it turns my stomach. Anyways, I'm sure you're wondering how I have managed to pull that off the last seven years. If I go stay the night somewhere then I must know four things- who all will be there that night, how early everyone gets up, who will be the first to the bathroom and if I will have a room to myself. If I don't think any of these four things will work out in my favor, I won't go. I have to be the last one to go to bed and the first to get up. No one can see my acne. I have to have a room to myself because what if they wake up in the middle of the night and look at my face? It's not Halloween all year long! I don't let my family or friends see my makeup free face and I don't plan to. These red dots on my face make me stress about useless things that most people wouldn't even think about. It would be nice to wake up and know that no one is going to stare at your face in disgust. Every night I pray to god that I could have perfect skin like everyone else that's in my life. Of course, that's not gonna happen to me anytime soon.
Right after my praying, I think of scenarios in my head. What if someone's in the bathroom before me in the morning? I will have to act like I'm asleep until the coast is clear. Maybe I should just stay up all night so I can conceal my horrifying acne before it's discovered. I think I would rather risk my health than let people see what I try to hide everyday. I can be starving, someone needs the bathroom or maybe I have the flu but it doesn't matter. I MUST rush to the bathroom and spend a hour doing my makeup. I will never experience waking up on Christmas morning with my family or waking up for breakfast with everyone else. I'm stuck with acne and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't even enjoy going outside. I'm sure if you have ance you feel this way, too. Acne is just more noticeable outside and all of the marks turn purple. So I just stay inside all by myself everyday.
I have always felt this way until this recently. You know how people say you have to love yourself first? Well it's true. I hated myself for so long. It wasn't because I was a bad person but because there was nothing I could do for my skin. Hormonal acne is just one of those things you have to live with and you can't ignore it. So I finally just accepted my acne. Don't get my wrong I still despise it but I can now look at myself in the mirror without focusing on my skin. Behind the funky, infected pores is a girl who wishes it was sociably acceptable to have acne. But to be honest it doesn't have to be. Who cares what people think. I shouldn't let other people hold me back and neither should anyone else. The depression fades when you take away the hate from within yourself. It's like being the person you always wanted to be but yet your still yourself. I know people still judge me but I honestly don't care. It truly brings happiness into my life. I just hope everyone else with acne can feel the same way I do.
I always ask myself where I would be if I didn't have acne. I honestly think I would be living a whole other life. I'm furious and grateful at the same time. I wish I could have done the things I wanted to but I also love the things I'm doing now. If it wasn't for acne I'm not sure if I would have a spot in my heart for makeup and I wouldn't be here on my blog telling you this story. My acne has always been on my bad side but at the same time it created who I am. I understand how insecurities work and I actually want to help people. I know how people feel and I know the right things to say. I now know how to live with the bad and ugly things in life. I still can't go in public without makeup on but I do accept the fact that I have acne. I can also say it has made me a stronger person and I have a different look at life then most people do. Cherish what you love about yourself and grow stronger from the things you hate. Most of all don't judge yourself like I use to. I know it feels like you're alone in the world but you're not. I haven't actually seen anyone with worse skin than mine but I know mines not as bad as other peoples that I see on the internet. So, I love who I am and now it's your turn. Accept what you hate and the hatred will no longer exist.
Oh and for the people who say I shouldn't wear foundation because it's causing my breakouts, it's not. I only wear foundation 1-2 times a week. Besides, it's already confirmed that it's my hormones and genetic factors that cause my breakouts.
How do you feel about your acne or other insecurities?
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Thanks for reading, TaylorPie.
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